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HoloTracker: Include (1) Character's In-Game Name, (2) Faction, and (3) Location
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[Comments] Locke writings - Comments welcome

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Comments and input welcome :) Thanks for reading my work.
Posted Tue at 03:41 am · OP
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What I did like: "Agent with pre-programmed amnesia" has interesting potential as a story, especially if you add in things like Castellan restraints or similar methods of brainwashing. The cybernetics and voluntary surgery are neat touches to that. The character himself could be interesting to bounce through stressful situations solely to see how he'd react.

What I did not like: The manner in which his talents are triggered is conveyed vaguely, and the story is a touch too much like the Agent story, risking copying it instead of paying it homage. The mysterious blonde was a bit of a throw-away Bond chick moment. Her role could have simply been filled by the droids.

The post feels like someone regurgitating information to me like in a character biography, not telling me a story—the prose is very dry and matter-of-fact. The big blocks of text need more commas, or to be broken up into smaller, more digestible chunks. Dialogue needs to be broken up via line breaks to be more legible in this format, and to better allow the reader understanding of who is saying what.
Posted Tue at 04:07 am · Last edited Tue at 4:08
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Thanks! As a novice writer, input is a great resource to improve future posts!

As I reread my original post, I can see your point on the biographical feel. The first post was sort of intentionally written that way to establish some history and color to the character, and future posts will be less so. I totally see your point on the dialogue needing some reformatting.

You called it on the Bond chick moment. That was completely intentional. I wanted to toss in some elements of his previous life. There is a strong chance of other people from his past popping up from time to time.

Also, dead on with the castellan restraints. I considered including references to this technique, but I thought it would be to similar to the Agent story.

Thanks again for your input.
Posted Tue at 10:25 am · OP
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@Darth Manteia And now that I have finished Agent story, I can see your point about the similarities there too! :d
Posted Tue at 11:43 pm · OP
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